Have you ever come so close to finally achieving something that you have wanted forever? Maybe things were too stable or going too well, and then you find yourself doing something to ruin the possibility of success? Finally getting that raise, and you decide then to start being disrespectful at work or missing a bunch of days in a row? Or how about wanting to finish that project, and then instead of working on the project, you find yourself indulging in distracting behaviors and constantly procrastinating?
I’m guilty of the second example. A project will be thoroughly planned and ready, and right before I launch the project, I’ll freeze. Literally, freeze, and start distracting myself with other projects. Months will go by, and I look back and wonder what happened to that project and why I am not monetizing from it. One answer: Self-sabotage
Really though, what is self-sabotage? “Self-sabotage occurs when we destroy ourselves physically, mentally, or emotionally or deliberately hinder our own success and wellbeing by undermining personal goals and values” (Brenner, 2019) Self-sabotaging behavior can also be termed “face-saving” behavior as well. Face-saving behavior is defined as an act that lessens embarrassment and preserves a self-image. “Self-sabotaging behavior is linked to a negative belief system that acts to preserve a self-image with the avoidance of failure” (Finez et al., 2012).
There’s conscious self-sabotage and unconscious sabotage. Conscious self-sabotage is when you know that you are deliberately doing things not to meet your goals. Unconsciously self-sabotage is not knowing that you are self-sabotaging until after the fact. Example: “People with a strong fear of failure in their jobs often develop the unconscious habit of showing up late or doing sloppy work as a way to avoid promotions or increased responsibility which would lead to higher expectations and therefore a higher chance of failure.” (Wignall, 2020)
Self-sabotage shows up in relationships, too, hidden in fear of intimacy. People with a fear of intimacy or commitment will ruin a perfectly healthy relationship to avoid feeling anxiety from being emotionally vulnerable. Emotional vulnerability brings people out of their comfort zone, which induces stress. In their defense, self-sabotage isn’t necessarily their fault. For some people, intimacy and love are linked with negative experiences instead of positive ones, and that’s where the ego comes to play.
Surprisingly, the behavior is often rooted in self-defense or self-protection—protection of the ego. The thought that we could achieve more and become a better person with a dream career or a happy, healthy relationship can trigger the sympathetic nervous system into fight or flight, inducing fear. The ego keeps us safe and alerts us when we are going out of our boundaries, resulting in us distracting ourselves, procrastinating, stirring up drama, and getting in our way to succeeding.
Sometimes we self sabotage to feel like we are in control. By accepting the fail or negative outcome in advance, we think we are in control of our future so we lose ourselves in the self sabotaging behaviors and thought patterns. The unpredictability of actually succeeding or a positive outcome can cause terror in people.
How do we reduce self-sabotaging behaviors? Some ways include managing your negative self-talk to yourself, developing consistent and stable habits, calling yourself out when you see yourself indulging in these habits, and holding yourself accountable. Noticing the negative thought patterns and keeping yourself focused on your goal instead can make a substantial difference. Another way to understand if you are self-sabotaging is by asking yourself if your actions align with your long-term goals.
“To stop sabotaging yourself, you must first recognize when you’re getting in your own way. Some of the time, we’re acutely and painfully aware of this—like when we find ourselves procrastinating before taking care of a (literal or figurative) mess, so that it becomes a bigger deal to clean up later. Or we impulsively buy a large bag of potato chips when we’re trying to cut back on junk food.”(Boyes)
An exciting research study was conducted that linked mindfulness training as a way to reduce self-sabotage. “The research has shown that mindfulness training affects emotional regulation, focus, self-awareness, acceptance of circumstance, spatial awareness, reductions in stress, increases in overall wellbeing, and flow state access.” (Trammel, 2019) Mindfulness training teaches others to accept all their thoughts, negative and positive, acknowledging them instead of being judgmental or suppressing them.
Understand how you self-sabotage, why, and when can help you reduce the habit. Remember that self-sabotage can stem from self-defense because the ego feels unsafe, meaning you should be gentle and love yourself while exploring your processes and self-sabotaging behaviors.
Source:
Wignall, Nick. Self-Sabotage: Why You Do It and How to Stop for Good. 7 June 2020, nickwignall.com/self-sabotage/.
Trammel, R. (2019). Practitioners Use of Mindfulness Training to Reduce Harm from Self-Sabotaging Behavior _. EC Psychology and Psychiatry, 8, 417-427.
Boyes, Alice Boyes Alice. “How to Stop Sabotaging Yourself.” Greater Good, greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_stop_sabotaging_yourself.